bnormal - Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal. Ambrose Bierce

Absence
- Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great. Comte de Bussy-Rabutin
- That which extinguishes small passions and increases great ones. La Rochefoucauld
- That which makes the heart grow fonder of somebody else.Anon.
Absolute
- The most fatal illusion... life is growth and motion. Brooks Atkinson
- God... all else is relative. Will Herberg
- Everything absolute belongs to pathology. Friedrich W. Nietzsche
Accident - An inevitable occurence due to the action of immutable natural laws. Ambrose Bierce
- A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. Anon.
Actor - a guy who, if you ain’t about him, he ain’t listening. Marlon Brando
Advice - what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Erica Jong
- Always a confession.Emile Herzog
Age- Always 15 years older than I am. Bernard Baruch
- When a man is young he writes songs; grown up, he speaks in proverbs; in old age he preaches pessimism.Hebrew Proverb
- A man is still young as long as women can make him happy or unhappy. He reaches middle age when they can no longer make him unhappy. He is old when they cease to make him either happy or unhappy.Anon.
- (Something that) doesn't matter unless you're a cheese. Billie Burke
Ambition - The desire of rising. Thomas Adams
AMERICA- A land of boys who refuse to grow up. Salvador de Madariaga
- A "happy-ending" nation.Dore Schary
Americans- (An Englishman is) a person who does things because they have been done before. (An American is) a person who does things because they haven't been done before.Mark Twain
Anatomy - Something everyone has but it looks better on a girl. Bruce Raeburn
Ancestry - An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. Ambrose Bierce
Anthologist - A person who uses scissors and taste. Philip Van Doren Stern
Apology- An expression bestowed on a man if you are wrong, on a woman if you are right. Anon.
Appetite- The best sauce.French Proverb
Applause- The spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones. Charles Caleb Colton
- At the start of a lecture, it is a manifestation of faith. If it comes in the middle, a sign of hope. At the end, it is always charity. Adapted from Fulton J. Sheen
Archaeologist- The best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)- (He) invented science, but destroyed philosophy. Alfred North Whitehead
Art- Art is not nature. Art is nature digested. Art is a sublime excrement.George Moore
- What we know in terms of what we hope.George Jean Nathan
Artists- A man who won't prostitute his art, except for money. Henry Meyers
- A person who you can silence by shutting his book. Max Gralnick
Baby - An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Elizabeth I. Adamson
Bachelor- A man who never makes the same mistake once. Ed Wynn
- One who is nice to women all his life. Anon.
Banker- A fellow who hands you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain
Barometer - An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Ambrose Bierce
Bargain- A transaction in which each participant thinks he has cheated the other. Anon.
Bed- The happiest part of a man's life. Samuel Johnson
Beginning - Half the whole. Aristotle
Bibliomania- Desire to have many books, and never use them. Henry Peacham
Bigamy- Having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Birthday- The funeral of the former year. Alexander Pope
Blushing- Virtue's color. English Proverb
Bore- A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce
Boredom- The desire of activity without the fit means of gratifying the desire.George Bancroft
Boss- The man at the office who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Anon.
Brain- (Something that) starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. Robert Frost
Broadway- A place where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like. Walter Winchell
Budgeting- A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions. A. A. Latimer
Business- The art of extracting money from another man's pocket without resorting to violence.Max Amsterdam
Capital Punishment- Simply doubles the number of murders. David Schwartz
Caricature- Rough truth. George Meredith
Certainty- A dusty answer.George Meredith
Children- The husband's dangerous rivals. Sigmund Freud
- Defective adults. Evelyn Waugh
Chivalry- The deportment of a man toward any woman not his wife. Anon.
City- A human zoo. Desmond Morris
Civilization- A movement and not a condition. Arnold J. Toynbee
Civilized- When you take a bath. When you don't take a bath, you are cultured. Lin Yutang
Classics- Examples of how to think, not of what to think. Jacques Barzun
Cleverness- A tool used to fetch foolish admirers.Jewish Proverb
Clothes- Two-thirds of beauty. Welsh Proverb
Club- A place where we sleep. Anon.
Cocktail Party- The form of friendship without the warmth. Brooks Atkinson
Comedy- A sad business. Charles Chaplin
Committee- A group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.Henry Cooke
- A group of people who talk for hours to produce a result called minutes.Anon.
- A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Anon.
Compliments- Things you say to people when you don't know what else to say. Constance Jones
Conditions- Something no one is content with. Anon.
Confidence- The feeling you have before you know better. Anon.
Congressman- A man who votes for all appropriations and against all taxes. Henry Ashurst
Conquerors- A conqueror is always a lover of peace. He would like to make his entry into our state unopposed. Karl Clausewitz
Conservatism- The politics of reality. William F. Buckley 2
- To keep what progressiveness has accomplished. R. H. Fulton
- Adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried. Abraham Lincoln
Conservative- One who admires radicals a century after they're dead. Leo C. Rosten
- A man who believes in reform, but not now. Mort Sahl
- One who wears both belt and suspenders. Anon.
Consistency- The last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde
Contentment- Simply refined indolence. Richard Haliburton
Coquetry- Mostly innocent cruelty. Anon.
Crisis- The crisis of yesterday is the joke of tomorrow. Herbert G. Wells
Critics- A man of such infinite wisdom and flawless taste that any opinion he may utter is to be accepted immediately and without question"unless you happen to disagree with him.
George Oppenheimer
Cruelty- To beat a cripple with his own crutches. Thomas Fuller
Culture- What your butcher would have if he were a surgeon. Mary P. Poole
- Anything that people do and monkeys don't. Anon.
Cynic- A man who tells you the truth about your own motives. Russell Green
Dancing- A public revelation of the secrets of the subconscious mind and its revelations are often disastrous. Gelett Burgess
Death- The poor man's doctor.German Proverb
Definition- To define is to exclude and negate. Jose Ortega y Gasset
Demagogue- An undetected liar. Walter Lippmann
Democracy- A small firm core of common agreement surrounded by a rich diversity of individual differences. Anon.
Diplomacy- Saying nothing nicely. Anon.
Diplomat- A person who knows the answers, but gives such as he chooses. Max Gralnick
- A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Caskie Stinnett
Disarmament- Argument between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete. Leonard L. Levinson
Dog- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and his dog. Mark Twain
Dream- Mere productions of the brain, and fools consult interpreters in vain. Jonathan Swift
Dreamer - All men of action. James G. Huneker
Drunkard- A living corpse. Saint John Chrysostom
Eccentricity- Eccentricity is originality without sense. John S. Blackie
Editor- One whose profession is arguing with writers. Anon.
- He who makes a long story short. Anon.
Epitaph- Praise too late. Max Gralnick
- Postponed compliments. Elbert Hubbard
Equality- (A condition) essential to good breeding. George Bernard Shaw
Etiquette - Getting sleepy in company and not showing it. Eugene E. Brussell
Evil- A form of good, of which the results are not immediately manifest. Honore de Balzac
The three evils are the sea, fire, and woman. Greek Proverb
Examinations- When the foolish ask questions that the wise cannot answer. Oscar Wilde
Experience - What you've got when you're too old to get a job. Leon Abramson
- Not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. Aldous Huxley
- A comb given to a man when he is bald. Irish Proverb
Eminience- Nearest to the gallows. Chinese Proverb
Englishmen- Germans pretending to be French. Max Eastman
Fair Play- Turn about is fair play. English Proverb
Fanaticism- Redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. George Santayana
Farewell- Wasted sadness. One should leave quietly. Adapted from Jerome K. Jerome
Fatalism- An excuse for practical inaction or mental indolence. Ralph Barton Perry
Finance- The art of passing money from one hand to another until it finally disappears.Leonard L. Levinson
Footnote- Tedious information set aside where it can be easily skipped. Leonard L. Levinson
Forty- Every man at forty is a fool or physician. John Ray
Freedom- The right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. John Diefenbaker
- Being able to turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.Jules Renard
- The possibility of change.Johanan Twerski
Friend- An old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjamin Franklin
Guest- The first day a man is a guest, the second a burden, the third a pest. Edward R. Laboulaye
Golf- A game where the ball lies poorly and the player well. Anon.
Good- Many meanings. For examples, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man. Gilbert Keith Chesterton
Gossip- Ear pollution. Anon.
Habit- Something you can do without thinking"which is why most of us have so many of them. Frank Cl.ark
Hair- The beauty of women. Italian Proverb
Happiness- A balance between what one is and what one has. Anon.
Hatred- The coward's revenge for being intimidated. George Bernard Shaw
Health- Objection, evasion, distrust and irony are signs of health. Friedrich W. Nietzsche
- To eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd rather not. Mark Twain
Heaven- Might be defined as the place which men avoid. Henry David Thoreau
Hebrew Language- (A language which) has about thirty words to express justice and humanity, but not a single one for slave. Joseph S. Bloch
Heir- One whose tears are masked laughter. Publilius Syrus
Hell- Hell is other people. Jean-Paul Sartre
Hen- An egg's way of making another egg. Samuel Butler
Heredity- The tenth transmitter of a foolish face. Richard Savage
- Something you believe in when you child's grades are good. Anon.
Heretic- A fellow who disagrees with you regarding something neither of you knows anything about.William C. Brann
- The less numerous party.Edward Gibbon
Hermit- Anyone without an automobile. Anon.
Hero- A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer. Ralph Waldo Emerson
- One who is afraid to run away. English Proverb
- One who thinks slower than a coward. William Rotsler
History- Petrified imagination. Arthur Baer
- Distilled newspapers.Thomas Carlyle
- The propaganda of the victorious. Anon.
- Opinions rather than actual events. Baruch Spinoza
Honor- Without money... nothing but a malady. Jean Racine
Human beings- The greatest of the earth's parasites. Martin H. Fischer
Humor- The exploitation of disproportion. Russell Green
- What makes you laugh at something which would make you mad if it happened to you. Anon.
Hunting- When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport: when the tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity. George Bernard Shaw
Hypocrite- A mouth that prays, a hand that kills. Arabian Proverb
Impossibility- The word for weakling. Anon.
Independence- Living in a manner that you can look any man in the eye and tell him to go to hell. Anon.
Inflation- The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. Ernest Hemingway
- Seeing a youngster get his first job at a salary you dreamed of as the culmination of your career. William Vaughan
Intuition- The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not. Oscar Wilde
Irony- The last phase of disillusion. Anatole France
Jews- The work of eighteen hundred years of idiotic persecution. Emile Zola
Journalism- The survival of the vulgarest. Oscar Wilde
Judge- A speaking law. Cicero
Jury - Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.Robert Frost
King- A highly paid model for postage stamps. Anon.
Kiss- (When) soul meets soul on lover's lips. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Kitten- The trouble with a kitten is THAT // Eventually it becomes a CAT. Ogden Nash
Labor- The happiness of men consists in life. And life is in labor. Leon Tolstoy
- An activity by which money is pumped from one pocket into another. Anon.
Lady- One who makes a man behave like a gentleman.Russell Lynes
language- The main instrument of man's refusal to accept the world as it is. George Steiner
Law- Simulation of reality. John C. Lilly
Lawsuit- A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. Ambrose Bierce
Lawyers- Lawyers are just like physicians: what one says, the other contradicts. Sholom Aleichem
- One who defends you at the risk of your pocketbook, reputation and life.Eugene E. Brussell
- One whose opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.English Proverb
Learned- Dust shaken out of a book and into an empty skull.Ambrose Bierce
Liar- One who tells an unpleasant truth. Oliver Herford
- A liar is a man who does not know how to deceive. Luc de Vauvenargues
Liberal- Anyone whose ideas coincide with yours. Russell Baker
- A man who tells other people what to do with their money. Le Roi Jones
- A radical with family and children. Anon.
Liberty- The right to tell people what they do not want to hear. George Orwell
- Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. George Bernard Shaw
Library- A collection of 15,000 mystery novels and 35 other books. Anon.
Life- A theater in which the worst people often have the best seats. Aristonymus
- The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another, and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. James M. Barrie
- An experiment in the art of living, but you die before you see the result. Russell Green
- Not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament. George Santayana
- That incurable disease from which all have thus far died, and only those survive who are never born. Moritz Saphir
Literature - A challenge to despair. Eric Bentley
- The orchestration of platitudes. Thornton Wilder
London- The city San Francisco thinks it is. Anon.
Love- The effort a man makes to be satisfied with only one woman. Paul Geraldy
- The delusion that one woman differs from another. Henry Louis Mencken
- The triumph of imagination over intelligence. Henry Louis Mencken
- Like war: you begin when you like and leave off when you can. Spanish Proverb
Luck - The success of people you don't like. Hyman, Maxwell, Berston
Majority- A few powerful leaders, a certain number of accommodating scoundrels and subservient weaklings,and a mass of men who trudge after them without in the least knowing their own minds. Johann W. Goethe
Man- A brief and transitory episode in the life of one of the meanest of the planets. Arthur J. Balfour
- An intellect served by organs. Louis G. de Bonald
- Half dust, half deity. Lord Byron
- The only animal that eats when he is not hungry. Jerry Dashkin
- A sack of dung, the food of worms. Saint Bernard
- A burlesque of what he should be. Arthur Schopenhauer
- The only animal that blushes"or needs to. Mark Twain
Marketplace- The place set apart where men may deceive each other. Anacharsis
- Three women and a goose make a marketplace. Italian Proverb
Marriage- Fever in reverse: it starts with heat and ends with cold.German Proverb
- The most expensive way to get your laundry done. Charles Jones
- An evil, but... a necessary evil. Menander
- A covenant which has nothing free but the entrance.Michel de Montaigne
- An end of many short follies being one long stupidity. Friedrick W. Nietzsche
- An institution which is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. George Bernard Shaw
- The one subject on which all women agree and all men disagree. Oscar Wilde
- The only life sentence that is suspended by bad behavior. Anon.
- By day an endless noise; by night the echo of forgotten joys. Anon.
- Something that makes two one but which one? Anon.
- It begins with a prince kissing an angel. It ends with a baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat woman. Anon.
Martyrdom- Blood as verification to the truth. Friedrich W. Nietzsche
Mathematics- A study independent of the actual world. Adapted from Cassius J. Keyser
- The region of absolute necessity, to which not only the actual world, but every possible world must conform.Bertrand A. Russell
Maxim - Little sermons. Gelett Burgess
Medicine- Consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. Voltaire
Memoirs- To speak ill of everybody except oneself. Marechal Petain
Metaphysician- A man who goes into a dark cellar at midnight without a light looking for a black cat that is not there. Bowen of Colwood
- Men with no taste for exact facts, but only a desire to transcend and forget them as quickly as possible. Henry Louis Mencken
- A man who excels in writing with black ink on a black ground. Charles de Talleyrand
Metaphysics- The science of proving what we don't understand. Josh Billings
- The finding of bad reasons for what we believe upon instinct; but to find these reasons is no less an instinct. Francis H. Bradley
- An immensity of nonsense. Henry Louis Mencken
Middle age- Middle age is a time of life that a man first notices in his wife.Richard Armour
- When you don't have to have fun to enjoy yourself. Franklin P. Jones
- When you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is. Ogden Nash
- When a man stops dodging temptation and temptation starts dodging him. Anon.
Miracle- A physical event described by men who did not see it. Elbert Hubbard
Moderation- The belief that you will be a better man tomorrow than you were yesterday. Murray Kempton
Monarchy- The master fraud, which shelters all others. Thomas Paine
Money- A guarantee that we may have what we want in the future. Though we need nothing at the moment, it insures the possibility of satisfying a necessary desire when it arises. Aristotle
- A good servant but a bad master. Henry G. Bohn
- A new form of slavery. Leon Tolstoy
Monotony - The awful reward of the careful. A. G. Buckham
Monument- A boast in stone. Anon.
Morality- Feeling temptation but resisting it. Sigmund Freud
- The theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that ninety-nine per cent of them are wrong. Henry Louis Mencken
Museum- The home of a pedant. Anon.
Music- The shorthand of emotion. Leon Tolstoy
NEIGHBOR- Every man's neighbor is his looking-glass. English Proverb
- The man who knows more about you than you know about yourself. Elbert Hubbard
OBLIVION- The hell of a good idea. Leonard L. Levinson
OMEN- A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. Ambrose Bierce
OPERA- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings. Edward Gardner
OPPORTUNIST - One who goes ahead and does what you always intended to do. K. L. Krichbaum
OPTIMIST- The sort of man who marries his sister's best friend. Henry Louis Mencken
ORATOR- Glitterings and sounding generalities. Rufus Choate
ORATORY- The art of making pleasant sounds, which cause the hearers to say "Yes, Yes" in sympathy with the performer, without inquiring too closely exactly what he means. Samuel Tucker
ORIGINALITY- The art of concealing your source. Franklin P. Jones
PARADOX- A cheat: it gains attention at first by its novelty, but later it is discredited, when its emptiness becomes apparent. Baltasar Gracian
PARENTS- The bones on which children cut their teeth. Peter Ustinov
- Those who think they are old enough to know better. Anon.
PARIS- The cafe of Europe. Abbe Galiani
PATRIOTISM- Your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. George Bernard Shaw
PEDANT- One who has read everything and remembered it. Josh Billings
- A person who knows all the answers but doesn't understand the questions.Warren Goldberg
- One who thinks he thinks.Anon.
PEN- A formidable weapon, but a man can kill himself with it a great deal more easily than he can other people. George Prentice
PEOPLE, THE- Two classes of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not. Robert Benchley
- Three kinds"commonplace men, remarkable men, and lunatics.Mark Twain
- There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating"people who know absolutely everything and people who know absolutely nothing. Oscar Wilde
PERFECTION- Nothing more than a complete adaptation to the environment; but the environment is constantly changing, so perfection can never be more than transitory. William Somerset Maugham
- Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. Michelangelo
PERFUME- Chemical warfare. Anon.
PESSIMIST- One who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist. Elbert Hubbard
PESSIMIST- One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Anon.
PHARMACIST- The man in the white coat who stands behind the counter selling cosmetics and watches. Anon.
PHILOSOPHER- Adults who persist in asking childish questions. Isaiah Berlin
- A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. Lord Bowen
- One you never go to for advice. Eugene E. Brussell
- A person who will not believe what he sees because he is too busy speculating about what he does not see. La Bovier de Fontenelle
- One who contradicts other philosophers. William James
- People who talk about something they don't understand, and make you think it's your fault. Anon.
PHILOSOPHY - Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. Franklin P. Adams
- The common sense of the next century. Henry Ward Beecher
- (Teaches) us to bear with equanimity the misfortune of our neighbors. Oscar Wilde
- Any systematic scheme of thought which allows you to be unhappy intelligently. Anon.
PLATITUDE- An observation that is too true to be good. Max Gralnick
PLATONIC LOVE- The name given to the period between the first look and the first kiss. Anon.
PLEASURE- The bait of sin. Plato
POET- A worthless, shiftless chap whose songs adorn the libraries of... shopkeepers... one hundred years after the chap has died of alnutrition. Elbert Hubbard
- (Those who) utter great and wise things which they do not themselves understand. Plato
- The mysteries of the irrational perceived through rational words. Vladimir Nabokov
POLITICIAN- One who thinks twice before saying nothing. Anon.
- One who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't. Anon.
POLITICS- Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. Henry Adams
POPULARITY- The capacity for listening sympathetically when men boast of their wives and women complain of their husbands. Henry Louis Mencken
PRINCE- Those who have long hands and many ears. German Proverb
PRODIGY- A child who plays the piano when he ought to be in bed. John B. Morton
- A child who is just as smart at four as he will be at forty. Anon.
PROFESSOR- A man who avoids reality by teaching in a college. Muriel Cohen
PROGRESS- What we call progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another. Havelock Ellis
PROVERBS- The wisdom of the streets. William G. Benham
- A short sentence based on long experience. Miguel de Cervantes
PSYCHIATRIST - A doctor who tells you what everybody knows in language nobody can understand. John Proctor
PSYCHOANALYSIS- A wonderful discovery... Makes quite simple people feel they're complex. Samuel N. Behrman
- Confession without absolution. Gilbert Keith Chesterton
PUBLIC OFFICE- The last refuge of the incompetent. Boise Penrose
PUBLIC RELATIONS- Hiring someone who knows what he is doing to convince the public that you know what you are doing. Hyman Maxwell Berston
PUBLISHER- A smart merchant who takes a block of spruce, slices it into 500 sheets, sprays ink on it, and sells it at $5.00 a copy. Leonard L. Levinson
PUN- Two strings of thought tied with an acoustic knot. Arthur Koestler
QUESTION - Something that ignorant men raise which wisemen answered a thousand years ago. Adapted from Johann W. Goethe
- The "silly question" is the first intimation of some totally new development. Alfred North Whitehead
QUOTATIONS - The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce
- The parole of literary men all over the world. Samuel Johnson
- Something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time. Leonard L. Levinson
- Scraps of learning. Edward Young
- Something that exists only to better express yourself. Anon.
RADICAL- A conservative out of a job. Anon.
READ- Some read to think, these are rare; some to write,these are common; and some read to talk, and these form the great majority. Charles Caleb Colton
READING- Reading means borrowing. Georg C. Lichtenberg
- Thinking with a strange head instead of with one's own. Arthur Schopenhauer
REALISM- What men do, and not what they ought to do. Francis Bacon
REALIST- A man who insists on making the same mistakes his grandfather did. Benjamin Disraeli
- Somebody who thinks the world is simple enough to be understood. It isn't. Donald Westlake
REALITY- Atoms and empty space. Democritus
REBELLION- Creation- the revolt against nothingness. Jose Ortega y Gasset
REFORM- Every reform was once a private opinion. Ralph Waldo Emerson
RELATIVES- Persons who live too near and die too seldom. Anon.
RELIGION- A derivative of the more primitive instincts. Sigmund Freud
REVIEWERS- He who would write and can't write. James Russell Lowell
REVOLUTION- The language of the unheard. Martin Luther King
- (An) effort to get rid of a bad government and set up a worse. Oscar Wilde
REVOLUTIONIST- Every revolutionist ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic. Albert Camus
RESEARCH- When I'm doing what I don't know (what) I'm doing. Wernher von Braun
RESPONSIBILITY- The price of greatness. Winston S. Churchill
REPUTATION- I am indeed rich, since my income is superior to my expense, and my expense is equal to my wishes. Edward Gibbon
ROMANCE- In love, one first deceives oneself and then others and that is what is called romance. John L. Balderston
- There is no such thing... in our day, women have become too brilliant; nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman. Oscar Wilde
RUDENESS- The weak man's imitation of strength.Eric Hoffer
SATIRIST- A man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. Peter McArthur
SCHOLAR- There are only two kinds... those who love ideas and those who hate them. Emile Chartier
- One who wraps himself in quotations. Anon.
SCIENCE- Practical philosophy. Rene Descartes
- Nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking. Albert Einstein
- The topography of ignorance. Oliver Wendell Holmes
- Trained and organized common sense. Thomas Henry Huxley
- The discovery of identity amidst diversity. William S. Jevons
- Science is always wrong -it never solves a problem without creating ten more. George Bernard Shaw
- A cemetery of dead ideas. Miguel de Unamuno
- A collection of successful recipes. Paul Valery
SCIENTIST- There are two classes, those who want to know, and do not care whether others think they know or not, and those who do not much care about knowing, but care very greatly about being reputed as knowing. Samuel Butler
SAFETY- The best safety lies in fear. William Shakespeare
SAILOR- (Those who) are nearest to death and the farthest from God. Thomas Fuller
SCOUNDREL- Every man over forty. George Bernard Shaw
SCULPTURE- An art that takes away superfluous material. Michelangelo
SEA- A fluid world. Charles Caleb Colton
SECRET- Something three people keep if two of them are dead. Anon.
SECURITY- An invitation to indolence. Rod McKuen
SELFISHNESS- The dynamo of our economic system... which may range from mere petty greed to admirable types of self-expression. Felix Frankfurter
SELF-LOVE- The beginning of a lifelong romance. Oscar Wilde
SELF-RESPECT- The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. Henry Louis Mencken
SEMINAR - A place where you can learn in three hours what it takes a professor three months to teach. Richard Evarts
SEX (LOVE)- The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. Lord Chesterfield
- Grandmother called it a "sin"; mother called it an "affair"; daughter calls it an "experience." Sydney J. Harris
SEXES (MEN AND WOMEN)- The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a clever woman to manage a fool. Rudyard Kipling
SHAW, GEORGE BERNARD (1856-1950)- A playwright who knew all of the answers, but none of the questions. Harold Hobson
SILENCE- The fence around wisdom. Hebrew Proverb
- The most perfect expression of scorn. George Bernard Shaw
- Conversation with a bore. Anon.
SIN- Ignorance in motion. Ian Aird
SKEPTIC- One who laughs in order not to weep. Adapted from Anatole France
- Not one who doubts, but one who examines. Charles A. Sainte-Beauve
SKEPTICISM- The first step on the road to philosophy. Denis Diderot
- An exercise, not a life. George Santayana
SLANG- Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work. Carl Sandburg
SMILE- The whisper of a laugh. Anon.
SNOBBERY- The pride of those who are not sure of their position. Berton Braley
SOCIALISM- A sincere, sentimental, beneficent theory, which has but one objection... it will not work. Elbert Hubbard
- A system which is workable only in heaven, where it isn't needed, and in hell, where they've got it. Cecil Palmer
SOCIETY- One polished horde formed of two mighty tribes, the bores and the bored. Adapted from Lord Byron
- The painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits. Tobias G. Smollett
- A bore. But to be out of it is simply a tragedy. Oscar Wilde
SOLEMNITY- The shield of idiots. Charles de Montesquieu
- A trick of the body to hide the faults of the mind. La Rochefoucauld
SOLITUDE
- Often the best society. William G. Benham
- A good place to visit, but a bad place to stay. Josh Billings
SON- Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that, your friend or foe, depending on his bringing up. Abraham Hasdai
SORROW- A form of self-pity. John Fitzgerald Kennedy
SPANKING- Punishment that takes less time than reasoning and penetrates sooner to the seat of memory. Will Durant
- Applause backwards. Anon.
SPECIALIST- A man who knows more and more about less and less. William J. Mayo
SPECTATOR - People who are interested in something they are not interested in at all. Peter Altenberg
SPEECH- Like a love letter. Ideally, you should begin by not knowing what you are going to say, and end by not knowing what you've said. William A. Jowitt
- Speech was given to the ordinary sort of men to communicate their mind, but to wise men whereby toconceal it. Robert South
SPORTS- When a man wants to murder a tiger, he calls it sport; when the tiger wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity. George Bernard Shaw
STATESMAN- A dead politician. Anon.
STATISTICIAN- An average guy. Harold Coffin
SUCCESS- The test is simple and infallible. Are you able to save money? James J. Hill
- To know how to wait. Joseph de Maistre
- Success depends on three things: who says it, what he says, how he says it; and of these three things, what he says is the least important. John Morley
- (A state that) covers a multitude of blunders. George Bernard Shaw
- The end of hope. Anon.
- The real succeeders in life are the losers who keep trying. Anon.
SUFFERING- A sure sign that you are alive. Elbert Hubbard
SUICIDE- The simplest of human rights. Charlotte P. Gilman
SYMPATHY- What you give to someone when you don't want to loan him money. Anon.
TACT- The rare ability to keep silent while two friends are arguing, and you know both of them are wrong. Hugh Allen
- A subtle form of flattery. Max Gralnick
- The art of convincing people that they know more than you do. Raymond Mortimer
TALENT- To do easily what is difficult for others. Henry F. Amiel
TALMUD- The Catholicism of the Jews. Heinrich Heine
TAXES- To create a class of persons who do not labor, to take from those who do labor the produce of that labor, and to give it to those who do not labor. William Cobbett
- Simple robbery. Hillel
- The price we pay for civilized society. Oliver Wendell Holmes
TAX INVESTIGATOR- Someone more concerned with how you spend your money than how the government spends it. Anon.
TEACHER- The child's third parent. Hyman Maxwell Berston
- The man who can make hard things easy. Ralph Waldo Emerson
- He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. George Bernard Shaw
TELEVISION- A device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. Fred Allen
- Chewing gum for the eyes. John Mason Brown
- A medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at thesame time and yet remain lonesome. Thomas Stearns Eliot
- The visual cliche . Anon.
TEXAS- The state where you look the most to see the least. Anon.
THANKSGIVING DAY- A national holiday on which all the people who during the past year have survived earthquake,fire, housemaid's knee and death, overeat and thus thank God for his favoritism. Elbert Hubbard
THEATER- A place where you can hear every variety of cough. Rose Mortinson
THEOLOGIAN- (Those whose) opinion of themselves is so great that they behave as if they were already in heaven. Desiderius Erasmus
THEOLOGY- Pathology hidden from itself. Ludwig A. Feuerbach
- The effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. Henry Louis Mencken
- Reflection upon the reality of worship and an explication of it. As such it is a rational affair ...faith seeking to understand. Albert C. Outler
- The study of nothing. Thomas Paine
- A blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there"and finding it. Anon.
THEORY- A hunch with a college education. J. A. Carter
- An imperfect generalization caught up by a predisposition. James A. Froude
- Something usually murdered by facts. Anon.
THIEF- Opportunity makes a thief. Francis Bacon
- One who considers he is honest if he has no chance to steal. Hebrew Proverb
THINKERS- The thinker looks for a universal truth that will help explain unique events. Eric Hoffer
- One who makes others think. Elbert Hubbard
THINKING- The greatest torture in the world for most people. Luther Burbank
- What a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James
- Only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything. Henry Poincare
TIME- The greatest innovator. Francis Bacon
- A River without Banks. Marc Chagall
TIPS- A sum of money that is more than you can afford and less than the waiter expected. Cynic's Cyclopaedia
TOBACCO- A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. Rudyard Kipling
- An Indian weed. Walter Scott
TONGUE- The neck's enemy. Arabian Proverb
TOWN- A place where everybody knows whose check is good and whose wife isn't. Jack Sterling
TRAGEDY- The difference between what is and what might have been. Alfred North Whitehead
- In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. Oscar Wilde
- Retirement without a hobby. Anon.
TRAVELLER- If you will be a traveller, have always... two bags very full, that is one of patience and another of money. John Florio
- A traveller must have the back of an ass to bear all, a tongue like the tail of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eat what is set before him, the ear of a merchant to hear all and say nothing.
Thomas Nashe
TRUMAN, HARRY S. (1884-1974)- (Truman was) right on all the big things, wrong on most of the little ones. Sam Rayburn
- I... never hesitated to do the things I thought necessary, regardless of whether they were popular or not. Harry S. Truman
TRUTH- When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Arthur Conan Doyle
- The one thing that nobody will believe. George Bernard Shaw
- The rarest quality in an epitaph. Henry David Thoreau
UNIVERSE- A crank machine. Alfonso the Wise
- An immense and unbroken chain of cause and effect. Paul H. d'Holbach
- The universe is not hostile, nor yet is it friendly. It is simply indifferent. John Holmes
- One of God's thoughts. Johann C. Schiller
- The God's laboratory. Adapted from Ilya R. Prigogine
- An intelligent design. William F. Swann
- An intelligence test. Heathcote Williams
UNIVERSITY- A place where... men send their sons who have no aptitude for business. Elbert Hubbard
VAGABOND- The vagabond, when rich, is called a tourist. Paul Richard
VIRTUE- Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it. David S. Jordan
- Consists, not in abstaining from vice, but in not desiring it. George Bernard Shaw
- Insufficient temptation. George Bernard Shaw
VOLTAIRE (1694-1778)- The prince of buffoons. Thomas B. Macaulay
- One of those heroes who liked better to excite martyrs than be one. Horace Walpole
VULGARITY- The conduct of others. Oscar Wilde
WAGNER, RICHARD (1813-1883) - My destiny is solitude, and my life is work. Richard Wagner
WAR- The most successful of our cultural traditions. Robert Ardrey
- The science of destruction. J. S. Abbott
- A disaster to the soldier; to the general a spectacle. Isaac Goldberg
- A method of killing people. George Bernard Shaw
WASHINGTON, GEORGE (1732-1799)- He errs as other men do, but errs with integrity. Thomas Jefferson
WEALTH- The savings of many in the hands of one. Eugene V. Debs
- A thousand dollars a day - and expenses. Pierre Lorillard
- Any income that is at least $100 more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. Henry Louis Mencken
WHISKEY- I like it, I always did, and that is the reason I never use it. Robert E. Lee
WICKEDNESS- Anything the old cannot enjoy. Anton Chekhov
WIDOW- One who is sadder but wiser. Anon.
WIFE- One who is sorry she did it, but would undoubtedly do it again. Henry Louis Mencken
- A man's wife is his compromise with the illusion of his first sweetheart. George Jean Nathan
- No woman is a wife who is not a mother too. Welsh Proverb
- One who knows everything except why she married you. Anon.
WILDE, OSCAR (1854-1900)- The one person I would like to meet in heaven. George Bernard Shaw
WILSON, WOODROW (1856-1924) - A very adroit... (but not forceful) hypocrite. Theodore Roosevelt
- No man ever more fully exemplified the adage that the pen is mightier than the sword. Mark Sullivan
WISDOM- The sad smile with which we recognize our own motives in a fool. John Ciardi
- Pretending to know and believe more than we really do. William Congreve
- Knowing what to do next. Herbert Hoover
- Knowing what to overlook. William James
WIT- The salt of conversation, not the food. William Hazlitt
WOMAN- Largely the product of the romantic imagination of men. Charles Angoff
- (She) inspires us to great things - and prevents us accomplishing them. Alexander Dumas
- Picturesque protests against the mere existence of common sense. Oscar Wilde
- A sweetheart is milk, a bride is butter, and a wife - is cheese. Ludwig Boerne
WOMEN- Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears. Napoleon 1
- Two types of women: those who wear well and those who wear little. Walter Streightiff
- Sphinxes without secrets. Oscar Wilde
- One who never opens her mouth unless she has nothing to say. Anon.
WONDER - Implies the desire to learn. Aristotle
- To begin to understand. Jose Ortega y Gasset
WORDS- The opiate of the intellectuals. Leo Rosten
WORK- Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it. Finley Peter Dunne
WORLD- I count it not an inn but a hospital, and a place not to live, but to die in. Thomas Browne
WRITERS- A prostitute. First I did it to please myself, then ... my friends, and finally I did it for money. Ferenc Molnar
- To become immortal our great writers first have to die of hunger. Moritz Saphir
- When I want to read a book I write one. Benjamin Disraeli
- The only respectable work a girl can do in bed. Victor Fredericks
WRITING- Writing is busy idleness. Johann W. Goethe
- Merely the dregs of experience. Franz Kafka
- The clumsy attempt to find symbols for the wordlessness. John Steinbeck
YAWN- Honesty undisguised. Anon.
YOUTH- The ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old. Franz Kafka
ZOO- A place which prevents people from getting at the animals. Anon.
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